Understanding the Heart of Conflict: A Look at James 4:1-3
Relationships are often described as beautiful, fulfilling, and life-giving—but anyone who has spent time with other human beings knows that conflict is bound to happen. The reality is that every relationship consists of two sinners, and where sinners are involved, sin inevitably follows. This truth can be discouraging if we do not properly understand the root cause of our conflicts. Thankfully, Scripture provides clarity on this topic. One of the most relevant passages addressing the source of conflict is James 4:1-3, and in this brief article, we will explore how James’s words shed light on the conflict we often experience in our relationships.

1. Conflict Comes from Within (James 4:1a)
James begins his discussion by asking a pointed question: “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?” (James 4:1). Notice that he pinpoints the origin of conflict as something internal. In other words, conflict is not primarily a result of our external circumstances or other people’s faults; rather, it starts within our own hearts.
To grasp James’s argument, it is crucial to understand the biblical concept of the heart. In Scripture, the heart is often portrayed as the control center of a person’s life—the seat of one’s desires, will, and decision-making. Scripture is clear that the natural heart of man is tainted by wickedness and sin. This is why Jeremiah 17:9 declares, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” Jesus also emphasizes this truth when He says, “For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander” (Matthew 15:19). These are just two of the passages that highlight the reality that the heart itself is corrupted by sin.
When a disagreement arises with another person, our knee-jerk reaction is typically to look at the other person: “They spoke harshly to me,” or “They failed to appreciate what I did.” Alternatively, we could also blame external circumstances: “I was hungry,” or, “I was given too much to do at work.” While it is possible that someone else’s behavior needs addressing, James refocuses our attention on the ultimate source: what is going on inside our own hearts? The source for conflicts comes from within.
2. Conflict Arises When Our Desires Are Unmet (James 4:1b–2)
James goes on to say that the “passions are at war within you” (James 4:1). The Greek word used for passions carries the idea of pleasure, enjoyment, or delight. It is the root from which we get the English word “hedonism,” or the pursuit of pleasure above all else. James is highlighting that our internal cravings and desires can be so strong, they create battles within us. Thus, conflict emerges when we do not get what we want.
In verse 2, James provides a stark example: “You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.” This language may sound extreme, but it underscores how powerful our desires can be. When what we long for—be it respect, comfort, a particular outcome at work, or a relationship status—does not materialize, we respond with anger, jealousy, or bitterness.
Good and Bad Desires
It is important to realize that James is not only referring to inherently sinful desires (like coveting another person’s possessions). Even good desires can spark conflict if they assume an ultimate place in our hearts.
For example:
- Promotion at work: Wanting to advance in your career is not sinful. However, when you do not get the promotion and react with bitterness or envy toward your boss or coworkers, this unmet desire becomes a source of conflict.
- Marriage: Yearning for companionship is natural and can be a good desire. Yet if the search for a spouse takes longer than you hoped, it can foster discontentment or resentment. This inner turmoil can spill into your interactions with others.
As far as a personal example, I have often desired a few moments of peace to read my Bible in a quiet house. On more than one occasion, I have been interrupted by my children needing help or my wife asking for assistance. The desire to spend time in God’s Word is good. However, when that desire goes unmet and I respond with anger or impatience, the conflict in my own heart spills over and affects the people I love most. The way I respond shows that such a desire (although a good desire) has become idolatrous in my heart.
When we find ourselves in conflicts, whether large or small, it is vital to pause and consider what unmet desire might be driving our frustration. A helpful exercise is to prayerfully ask: “What is it that I wanted so badly that I allowed anger (or resentment, or jealousy) to grow in my heart when I did not get it?” Identifying these desires and bringing them before the Lord in repentance is a critical step toward peace. It is also crucial for the sanctification process.
3. Returning Our Focus to God (James 4:2–3)
Although James 4:2 primarily emphasizes how unmet desires lead to conflict, verse 3 reminds us that we do not have because we do not ask God, or we ask with wrong motives. When our hearts revolve around self-focused cravings instead of God’s glory, even our prayers become misguided. This further underscores how crucial it is to remember the vertical aspect of conflict: our relationship with God affects our relationships with others.
Repentance and dependence on God are, therefore, indispensable. Instead of clinging to our demands, we are invited to entrust our needs, wants, and disappointments to the Lord. By doing so, we acknowledge that only God can rightly fulfill our deepest longings. This posture of humility disarms the war raging within us and paves the way for Christlike character in our relationships.
Conclusion
Conflict in relationships is an inescapable fact of life. Primarily because relationships always involve sinners. Because of the inevitability of conflict, it is imperative that we give serious thought on how to deal with conflict wisely. James 4:1–3 offers hope by calling our attention to where the real battle takes place—in our hearts. Whether our desires are outright sinful or fundamentally good, they can quickly become idols when they overshadow our love for God and our love for others.
The good news is that our sinful responses and unmet longings do not have to define us. When we surrender our hearts to God, acknowledging the sinfulness within, He graciously meets us with mercy and transformation. By diagnosing conflict at its true source and asking God to help us control our unmet desires, we can experience deeper unity, grace, and peace in our relationships. May the Lord make it so!
Photo by jean wimmerlin on Unsplash

One Comment
Kathleen Sanford
Hello Peter,
I am grateful for your podcasts. Your teachings on the Bible are compelling. I am being shown more clearly what Jesus meant when He told us to seek first the kingdom of God and Its righteousness..So thank you, and God bless you.